Category Archives: parenthood
Hello, It has been 2 years, 2 months, and 4 days since my last confession. I wonder if some of you are still there. In my mind your RSS alert systems just came to life after years of inactivity- not unlike those tape reels in the bottom of a bunker somewhere in an ’80s movie. Silence…a red light begins to blink…a whirring sound…the tape reels spin…a Kenny Loggins song starts…
I think you get it.
So, where have I been for approximately 794 days? Nation building! As some of you know/knew I had a child. What you don’t know is that Sab and I had another child shortly after Macy was born. Her name is Rebecca. She arrived 13 months after Macy.
I have been busy trying to create the next American Women’s Tennis Champion or Greatest Tea Party Hostess (they are interchangeable at this point) and making Rebecca giggle. Its a full time job. The best job. So that’s where I have been. Moving on…
Whats changed over the last 19,056 hours since we last spoke? A few things actually…I will supply a short list. You are welcome.
- Rebecca Was Born
- SOPA Protest – Largest in History of the Internet
- A silent film won 5 Academy awards (Really?)
- “Gangnam Style” becomes the first video to reach one billion views on YouTube
- Lance Armstrong “apologizes,” loses a ba-jillion dollars, and still comes off like a douche bag
- Anonymous hacked Westboro Baptist Church (Yea!)
- Macy decided that she is a “princess”
- Rebecca likes yogurt
I am sure there were more events than those…however, I can not remember them right now.
This I will construct a more lucid post about something asap. In the mean time, I am taking requests for topics. In the comments, suggest a topic…or demand a topic. I will write about it in my usual, hard to follow, grammatically incorrect manner.
Welcome back, me!
1) No matter how much you plan, someone named Murphy will screw it up
2) If your haircut, doctor’s appointment, or dentist appointment is at 2:00 p.m. feel free to arrive at 4:00 p.m. – You will not be seen on time.
3) I like Space Invaders, however I do not like personal space invaders (See Awesome Illustration)
4) All people want 3 things: Respect, Understanding, and whatever you have in your left back pocket
5) A good pen is worth its weight in gold and will be stolen,lost, or destroyed within 5 minutes of you discovering its true worth
6) People are thinking about you right now- the IRS, Donald Trump, and Dionne Warwick to name a few
7) You do not have enough money.
8 ) Neither do I
9) I love food and food loves me – that is why it hangs around so long.
10) I do not like “customized stickers” on crappy cars…maybe buy a hubcap instead of a sticker that reads “Juicy” for your back windshield
11) If you make fun of a poor, homeless, or disadvantaged person around me expect to be humiliated- I have no patience for that
12) My wife saved my life and she doesn’t know it
13) I have great parents
14) My daughter is perfect
15) I am too fat
16) I need to be more active, eat less, and pay more attention to “adult things” in order to prolong my life- or so I am told
17) I wish there was a rule that you must have a working driver side window to use a fast food drive through
18) I should not ever go through a fast food drive through
19) There are things in my house that have not moved since we moved in
20) I have owned every model of iPhone through no fault of my own*
* they all still work, how sad is that?
Dear Abbott Labs,
I would like to start by saying “Thank You” for making Similac Sensitive. It is a cornerstone of my child’s meals. She loves it and is a healthy baby girl. Sadly, this is not the point of this letter. The reason I am moved to write to you is there is a horrible flaw in what would be a wonderful product. The foil liner inside the sealed lid is absolutely a pain in the tail to remove. It appears to be
glued secured welded attached under a lip that protects it’s edges.
I don’t know if you put that pull tab on there as a joke or if it is just poorly designed, but it is absolutely useless! Of the many, many containers just like the one above I have opened- I have yet to pull that tab and remove the foil liner. I understand that the foil is to protect the product and I appreciate that. However, I have to remove it in order to use the product my child so loves and that is no easy task. When you pull on that tab it simply rips off. I have tried every manner of removal- from slow and steady to quick and furious. All with the same outcome- a hole in upper left corner of the container.
After the tab is removed, I can then attempt to remove the rest of the foil that is in a semi-permanently attached state. I am a pretty handy man. I can use tools, navigate my way through crib assemble instructions, and unwrap the smallest of nic naks. However, This ordeal involves razor sharp foil that has to be manually removed piece by pains taking piece. The removal of said razor foil is akin to -I don’t know- removing razor wire from a top of a fence while on stilts. Needles to say this practice is not that easy when you are holding a 5 month old child that wants his bottle something fierce.
Not only is it annoying and difficult- it is dangerous. I mentioned the razor sharp foil that you have to manually remove…well, I will just show you.
Yep, it cut me as I was trying to remove the foil, after the handy dandy pull tab had ripped free. I never thought that could happen but, it did.
In conclusion, I would like to request that the design of that foil pull tab be re-looked at, redesigned, or done away with. Maybe my friends at Babycenter.com can use some baby muscle about this. It is truly a pain in the…finger.
As the days draw me closer to
retirement my golden years a bedpan, my body and mind are developing a list of things they really do not enjoy. Here is a sample of the myriad things that make this pre-middle aged man grumpy:
- Random Joint Pain: When did my left knee start hurting? I haven’t injured it, I haven’t smashed it into anything- Yet, It aches.
- Dull Aches: Vague pains in potentially any part of my body is depressing.
- Grunting When I Stand Up: I make an audible “UGHHH” when I stand up from a seated position. How sad is that? Is that a sign the AARP flyers are being addressed as we speak?
- Kids Driving Fast In My Neighborhood: Really, Matt? Yeah, I cant help it. It drives me insane to hear kids driving the cars and trucks their parents bought up and down my street. I can’t help it…I just can’t help it.
- I Said “That’s just vulgar” And Meant It: This was a shock. I have unknowingly developed a “appropriate or not radar.” If I knew this was happening I would have vetoed it, but its here. SIGH
- I Actually Used The Word “vulgar” In Public: That just speaks for its self.
- Inability To Open Glass Jar Twist Off Lids: Latest proof- Marinated Peppers- Small Jar, easy to grip, no excuses- Completely failed. I made a prolonged “AGHHHH” sound as I struggled in vain to “pop” the top off. Weakness, utter weakness.
- Lack Of Cool Clothes: My closet looks like a L.L. Bean, Gap, and Sears threw up in it. Nothing is wrong with those clothes, but we can all agree that they are far from…hip?
*I felt odd using the word “hip” in that last example. That’s exactly what I am talking about. The only way I feel comfortable using the word “hip” is in reference to the part of my body that aches when I get out of a car that sits lower than a Ford F-150.
Where is my warranty? I need see if I am still covered.
The tree has been put away or discarded. The newly untangled lights start their year long re-tangling process. The plastic Rudolphs, Santas, Jesuses ( I admit I do not know the plural of Jesus.), and plates with Frosty on them are all put into their storage containers and forgotten about by everyone for another 11 months. Everyone except my wife.
Apparently, everyone who has ever had a child, changed a diaper, or can spell “child” is an expert on the care of, not only their children, but YOUR CHILD as well – AND- they have permission to touch your child WHENEVER they want!!!
FYI: This drives the wife and I insane.
Here are some scenarios that have actually happened! Read the rest of this entry
Dethroning”Don’t put the babies in the Microwave” spoke by “person overheard in WalMart”, This year’s BABY TIP OF THE YEAR AWARD goes to…
Babycenter.com Read the rest of this entry
Why didn’t they tell me at babycenter.com that my child would have such clearly defined opinions at such an early age?
Consider this hypothetical scenario:
You take an outing to the grocery store to buy food for your family. Upon your arrival you see an empty parking spot RIGHT BY THE ENTRANCE. Your mind screams, “SCORE!” Your giddiness is smashed when you approach the parking spot and a sign reading “Reserved for customers who happen to be buying milk,” staring you right in the face. Your lactose intolerant body has betrayed you by its inability to digest a cow’s milk. You curse your un-evolved stomach as you drive to the other side of the known world in search of a parking spot so you can feed your family.
HORRIFIC ISN’T IT.
As a new father, I am the victim of discrimination. I, like all men, are discriminated against due to something that we can not control – our gender. We men are not catered to when it comes to all things pregnancy. When you have a spare 4 hours, enter your local book store and count all the books about being a good parent that are written for women. The next day when you have a spare 23 seconds, go back and count the books written for men who want to be a good parent. It is a staggering difference. You will find that many of the books written for women stress emotional bonding with your child coupled with research from years of child rearing. The books written for men usually involve illustrations involving stick figures making less than happy faces while changing a diaper and some type of list. The intellectual bias is staggering. WAIT WAIT WAIT … men have earned this, haven’t they? Raising a newborn is a woman’s job. Right? Was that last sentence offensive to you? It should be. That feeling of “I KNOW YOU DIDN’T” that you are experiencing right now is what I felt when I saw this as I was pulling into a CHOICE parking spot yesterday.
As I drove away to another spot, my mind would not leave this alone. I mean why not change it to read “Stork Parking for New Parents and Mothers to Be” Why choose to omit the father who is bringing his infant with him. As I approached the doors, I decided to ask about that sign and what would happen if I, as a man, brought my infant to this store and dared to park my Jeep in that coveted spot.
Being a small town, I knew the woman who happened to be working when I came in. With a smile, I asked about the sign and what would happen if I parked there with my new infant. Flatly, she said, “nothing.” Taken aback and shocked about the lack of penalty, I repeated the facts. “So, I can park there as long as I have my kid with me.” The reply was a firm, “Yep.” I also asked the manager on duty, his comment was something similar to,” We at ___, want to provide the most comfort for our new mothers who shop with us…” When he said the word “mothers” my eyebrow raised. He saw the question coming, and said, “…and fathers.” I thanked him and paid for my goods and went to my Jeep.
I looked at the sign as I drove away, and I felt worse. Apparently, men who are fathers do not factor in the decision on what to have printed on signs that will be placed in front of stores nationwide? They do not care if you, a man, park there but they will not nor even consider using a gender neutral word on the sign? Are men such horrible parents to newborns that we aren’t even in the equation of consideration when it comes to preferred parking at stores? Other places get it…
Why can’t men get the same billing in the parenting department? Why do men get such a bad rap? Has the world not evolved to the point that the man’s role in the parenting and care of a newborn is equal to that of women?
Some places get it. Some fathers have ascended. When will American men earn respect of shop owners and corporate conglomerates and actually have a DAD WITH CHILD PARKING sign considered? I honestly think that those days are still far into the future. Infants and newborns have a stigma attached to them. Mothers care for the babies. Men don’t. That very stigma is the cause of the discrimination I now face.
I don’t know what to do to combat the lack of respect that people of my gender face. However, I do have an idea about what to do about those signs.