Monthly Archives: February 2011

Confessions of A Pre-Middle Aged Man

As the days draw me closer to retirement my golden years a bedpan, my body and mind are developing a list of things they really do not enjoy.  Here is a sample of the myriad things that make this  pre-middle aged man grumpy:

  • Random Joint Pain:  When did my left knee start hurting?  I haven’t injured it, I haven’t smashed it into anything- Yet, It aches.
  • Dull Aches: Vague pains in potentially any part of my body is depressing.
  • Grunting When I Stand Up:  I make an audible “UGHHH” when I stand up from a seated position.  How sad is that?  Is that a sign the AARP flyers are being addressed as we speak?
  • Kids Driving Fast In My Neighborhood:  Really, Matt?  Yeah, I cant help it.  It drives me insane to hear kids driving the cars and trucks their parents bought up and down my street.  I can’t help it…I just can’t help it.
  • I Said “That’s just vulgar” And Meant It:  This was a shock.  I have unknowingly developed a “appropriate or not radar.”  If I knew this was happening I would have vetoed it, but its here.  SIGH
  • I Actually Used The Word “vulgar” In Public:  That just speaks for its self.
  • Inability To Open Glass Jar Twist Off Lids:  Latest proof- Marinated Peppers-  Small Jar, easy to grip, no excuses- Completely failed.  I made a prolonged “AGHHHH” sound as I struggled in vain to “pop” the top off.  Weakness, utter weakness.
  • Lack Of Cool Clothes:  My closet looks like a L.L. Bean, Gap, and Sears threw up in it.  Nothing is wrong with those clothes, but we can all agree that they are far from…hip?

*I felt odd using the word “hip” in that last example.  That’s exactly what I am talking about.  The only way I feel comfortable using the word “hip” is in reference to the part of my body that aches when I get out of a car that sits lower than a Ford F-150.

Where is my warranty?  I need see if I am still covered.

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