Dear Waiter at Carrabba’s last night,

I know you have to deal with middle management flunkies, hostile kitchen staff, emotionally distraught dish washers, and that creepy dude/dude-ette on the prep line.  I get it.  I really do.  However, I feel I need to write this for you to read … and reread.  There are somethings that they either didn’t teach you or you slept  through in Carrabbas corporate training.  So, unfortunately I have to teach them to you now.

You need to understand that you, server, are the face of the restaurant.  You are the guideline, along with the food quality, that I will judge if I will return to this eatery or not. that being said, I know Carrabba’s isn’t The Terrace or The Mesa Grill.  So, I did not go into last night dinner with absurdly high expectations on service.  However, if you are going to bring me a check that is over 60 dollars for 2 people to have a dinner that is under 3 courses, here is a small list to help you make me believe this dinner is worth the cash I’m about to pay.  You can call it the “101 level” or a “Primer level” to non-annoying food service.  Even though I think common sense would prevail in most cases, you didn’t get that memo and are unknowingly being a nuisance on a daily basis or you are just a condescending prick.  Either way, here are some things that the next time, lets assume there will be a next time, I walk in that door you need to have corrected.

*DO NOT CALL ME CHIEF, BOSS, OR CHAMP

I am not a Native American tribal leader, your shift manager, and I am not wearing any tiaras, flower garlands, nor am I carrying any sort of trophy, gold belt, or  medal.  So, why would you call me chief, boss, or champ unless you want to make a veiled statement about your dissatisfaction in the power balance of the server/served dynamic.  I am sorry you don’t like being a server…or maybe you really do.  Either way, It is not my fault!  Don’t punish me.

*KEEP YOUR “WITTY” BANTER TO YOURSELF

Have you ever seen the Office Space?  Do you remember the kid in the Chotchkie’s Restaurant with all the flair that was REALLY annoying.  THIS IS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE SANS FLAIR.  I am not talking about your appearance either.  Todd Duffey‘s portrayal of the most annoying waiter ever is very close to how you act daily.  Unlike you, he is an actor playing a part and according to a Rolling Stone interview he needed help to be that annoying in character.  When asked how he made that character so annoying he said:

“I don’t know,” Todd Duffey, the energetic, flair-wearing waiter at Tchotchkies [sic], said of the experience. “I was on a lot of drugs.”

YOU DO IT WITHOUT DRUGS…I ASSUME.

You said to me last night, “Lemme get this rockin’ and rollin’ for ya.”  Who the fuck talks like that.  I understand trying to be witty and show a bit of energy in your job…but, come on.  I ordered some iced tea and your reply was that you were gonna get my tea “rockin and rollin” for me.  Thanks hipster.  Don’t be witty when an “OK, thanks” is all thats needed…because it’s not witty it’s annoying.

Also avoid phrases like these (which you said at least once last night):

– “O-kee Do-kee”

(Im an adult not a 3 year old…so are you.  Act like it.)

– “Be back in a jiffy”

(Exactly how long is a “jiffy anyway”)

– “How are those salads working out for ya?”

(Working out for me?  I don’t know how to answer this at all.  Do you mean “Is the salad acceptable?” or “Do you like the salad?”  If so…then SAY THAT not anything else you think is cute or “F’N Cool”)

– “I’ll be baaaaak”

(You quoted the Terminator in hopes of cool points.  Really?  REALLY?)

Save all that dribble for when you and your friends watch the Super Bowl or Captain Kangaroo and eat Funyuns.  The terminator line should never be used unless you are transported back in time to the day after that movie came out.  Then and only then should you use that line and only for a period of 24 hours MAX.  I don’t need/want any of it along with my meal and neither does anyone else.  You look like a tool…STOP!  I am trying to help you here.

*DO NOT NAME DROP

Do you really think that I see you differently because some “celebrity” or “athlete” ate here 3 times already this week?  What is your motivation to present me with this unsolicited information.  Are you trying to tell me that “This place is so awesome that, INSERT CELEBRITY NAME HERE ate here 3 times this week already.” Who the fuck cares…here is a tip…NOT ME!  If I don’t ask you about who eats here…I obviously already know or don’t care to know.  **BONUS INFO**  While on the extraneous information issue, I don’t want to chat with you. I want to chat with who I am having dinner with.  Now disappear!

*REFILL MY TEA GLASS WHEN  WHEN YOU NOTICE IT IS EMPTY OR GETTING CLOSE TO EMPTY

I can’t believe I actually have to write this.  (*LARGE INHALE*)  I saw you look at it.  I saw you look down at my glass and then say something “witty” about your shoes or something else asinine.  I SAW YOU ASSHOLE.  You looked directly at my tea glass, which I had moved to a more ideal location nearer the edge of the table for you to grab and refill.  You noticed I moved it and CHOSE to not say or do anything about it.  I am sorry that metal tea pitcher is cold and heavy for you.  I REALLY AM but, your job includes

constant beverage attention…its a basic fucking wait staff responsibility.

In conclusion, I hope you take these tips and suggestions with a grain of salt…which was on our table unlike the silverware.  You may see more money in the form of tips coming to you and a return customer or two-other than that celebrity who already ate there 3 times this week.  (I can guarantee you if they did come back, they didn’t have you as a server.) So, get your shit straight.  You are costing your employer money and there isn’t much demand for a smart ass, hipster, non-attentive server in he want ads.

I still need a refill on my tea,

-Matt