Confessions of A Pre-Middle Aged Man

As the days draw me closer to retirement my golden years a bedpan, my body and mind are developing a list of things they really do not enjoy.  Here is a sample of the myriad things that make this  pre-middle aged man grumpy:

  • Random Joint Pain:  When did my left knee start hurting?  I haven’t injured it, I haven’t smashed it into anything- Yet, It aches.
  • Dull Aches: Vague pains in potentially any part of my body is depressing.
  • Grunting When I Stand Up:  I make an audible “UGHHH” when I stand up from a seated position.  How sad is that?  Is that a sign the AARP flyers are being addressed as we speak?
  • Kids Driving Fast In My Neighborhood:  Really, Matt?  Yeah, I cant help it.  It drives me insane to hear kids driving the cars and trucks their parents bought up and down my street.  I can’t help it…I just can’t help it.
  • I Said “That’s just vulgar” And Meant It:  This was a shock.  I have unknowingly developed a “appropriate or not radar.”  If I knew this was happening I would have vetoed it, but its here.  SIGH
  • I Actually Used The Word “vulgar” In Public:  That just speaks for its self.
  • Inability To Open Glass Jar Twist Off Lids:  Latest proof- Marinated Peppers-  Small Jar, easy to grip, no excuses- Completely failed.  I made a prolonged “AGHHHH” sound as I struggled in vain to “pop” the top off.  Weakness, utter weakness.
  • Lack Of Cool Clothes:  My closet looks like a L.L. Bean, Gap, and Sears threw up in it.  Nothing is wrong with those clothes, but we can all agree that they are far from…hip?

*I felt odd using the word “hip” in that last example.  That’s exactly what I am talking about.  The only way I feel comfortable using the word “hip” is in reference to the part of my body that aches when I get out of a car that sits lower than a Ford F-150.

Where is my warranty?  I need see if I am still covered.

About Matt

I was.

Posted on February 25, 2011, in Funny, My World, parenthood and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. i know how feel son

  2. The simplest way to cut back on your meal ikatne is to eat a small meal every three hours.Breakfast is a NECESSITY as it starts your metabolism, therefore ensuring the food you eat during the day is less likely to be stored as fat.Have a high protein breakfast as it keeps you fuller for longer, just a simple eggs on toast or baked beans, something like that is easy.Fruit, yoghurt, crackers or something similar in between your main meals are a great way to avoid eating such large meals at lunch and dinner, drink plenty of water, as thirst is often mistaken for hunger.A simple way to eat less at dinner is to use a smaller plate. This is a great way of tricking your brain into thinking you’re eating as much as you were before as the plate will still look full!Also, if you do 30 mins light exercise per day you’re actually to feel less hungry than if you do nothing.It all adds up =)

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