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Macy’s Message- Survivor: Nicaragua

Why didn’t they tell me at that my child would have such clearly defined opinions at such an early age?

Meet my new addiction

Macy Elizabeth Howell was born on 09/16/10 at 12:38 pm.  She weighed 6 lbs and 6 oz and was 19 inches long.

Of all the things I could say-  of all the things I have to tell you about, dear readers-  I am not going to distract you from looking at perfection.

Say “hello” to my new addiction.


Fetal Monitoring and Uncomfortable Furniture

The wife has had 2 elevated blood pressure instances. I mean like WAY over her normal levels. Last Thursday, at our weekly checkup, our Dr. was concerned with the blood pressure score and admitted her to the hospital to do a biophysical profile that led to an overnight stay. Her bp levels were normal at every 30 minute interval. No sign of high bp at all. Odd. Very odd . Pregnancy induced hypertension??? Morning came and went and we were set home at 2pm with orders to collect urine for another couple hours and return it to the lab after 4:50. Everything was fine except my wife was put on bed rest for a week.

Fast forward to today. My wife was readmitted to hospital with extremely high blood pressure with rumors of inducing the baby floating around. Guess what, her bp is normal and baby has a avg heart rate of 147 bpm. Again I ask- pregnancy induced hypertension?

As she lays there in relative peace; I watch the readouts on the monitor concerning the contractions and heart rate sensors trying to predict the next contraction. (I’m getting better.) My wife is tough, smart, and brave – not to mention cute. That is what makes this time hard on me. I am powerless to truly comfort her, sure I can crack jokes and rub her back but that isn’t what she needs and I can’t give it to her and that sucks.

My Life the Romantic Fairy Tale

As a literary genre of high culture, romance or chivalric romance refers to a style of heroic prose and verse narrative that was particularly current in aristocratic literature of Medieval and Early Modern Europe, that narrated fantastic stories about the marvelous adventures of a chivalrous, heroic knight, often of super-human ability, who goes on a quest. Popular literature also drew on themes of romance, but with ironic, satiric or burlesque intent. Romances often reworked legends and fairy tales and traditional tales about Charlemagne and Roland or King Arthur. A related tradition existed in Northern Europe, and comes down to us in the form of epics, such as Beowulf, which were deeply imbued with dreamlike and magical elements foreign to the classical epics.  However, This is not that sort of tale:

Long ago “a crowned god of war” and “the little wise one” conceived a child.  This child grew into a  woman whose name , when translated into English, meant “the beloved, merciful legendary princess.”  She was well educated and eloquent.  She was looked on fondly by all those around her.

Far away, around the same time, “a crowned wagon driver” wooed “the unheeded prophetess” and convinced her to marry.  Their union resulted in a man/child, whose name, when translated into the English tongue, meant  “eminent, crowned, gift of God.”  The boy’s mother thought this was accurate, but it was kind of a joke to those that knew him.

The man/child and the princess met one day years later in the area know as the “mouth of the river.”  The man/child made the princess laugh, so she kept him around and eventually they fell in love.  They eventually were married (after the man/child chased a demon into the land of  “Ta-Has”).  Not long after their marriage they produced a child named  “Gift of an attentive bountiful God.”   This child was lauded as the greatest arrival on the planet since the one they called “MC HAMMER.”  Truly a great and fortuitous event!

Don’t know where I was really going with this but, I was thinking about what our kid’s name actually meant.  So, I looked it up…then looked up the wife…then looked up the ME…then our parents.

…I am still dazed since the LOST “finale.”

Fear and Clothing in Parenthood

OK, OK, OK, I will admit it.  I am HORRIFIED about being a parent.  Well, not really ABOUT being a parent, but about me being a parent.  There are a few areas of parenting that are making  my tummy grumble.  My “later than usual” age is a concern, my apparent inability to maintain commitments, and my complete mental disconnect on the sizing of baby clothes are concerns that make my supper haunt me in the night.


“Parenting is a life long commitment.”  Those words are in every “NEW PARENT” book I have read.  I think the parenting illuminati want that fact to sink in real good so you don’t forget it.  MESSAGE RECEIVED!  Since I have realized that this child will be a permanent facet of my life, some things have began to resurface.  Notably my past failures at honoring commitments.  Those that know me, or those that will openly admit in public to knowing me, would know that commitments are something that I have not been the best at keeping.  Let me elaborate a touch.   I can’t keep two socks together for more than a week.  I have to leave myself notes to feed my fish.  In 1992, I told my mom  that I would help her weed a flower bed.  Hasn’t happened…I hope she forgot.  I signed up for inter mural ultimate frisbee so my friends could actually field 11 players (I was #11)…I completely forgot, never went to one practice and have always wondered why those guys were suck dickheads that semester.

Now I will have a child.  I can’t forget to feed her.  I can’t forget to bathe her.  I can’t forget where she is.  I can’t forget that she can’t tell me what is wrong (at least for a while).  I can’t forget that this commitment is not something that I can casually forget when a motorcycle rides by and my brain has a mini-I WANT THAT-seizure. FINANCIAL ADVICE OF THE DAY *** BUY POST-IT NOTE STOCK *** I am going to need a lot of those little yellow pads.

Age Fears

This is what I am REALLY afraid of.  This hypothetical example of a picture of my daughter and I in the upcoming years.  I am currently 34 years old.  Macy and I will have a LARGE generation gap between us.  You think I am blowing it out of proportion? For those mathematically challenged here is a cheat sheet for ya.  Lets look at exactly how bad its gonna be.

Macy’s Age                                  My Age                                     My Situation

o                                                            34                                       All is under control

10                                                          44                                       1st knee replacement

20                                                          54                                       3rd knee replacement

30                                                          64                                        Looking for my teeth

40                                                           74                                Yelling at “kids” on the lawn

50                                                            84                               (I can’t think this far ahead)

Ya get it now?  I am going to be an out of touch codger when she is 18-30.  OMG I need to hire a large orangutan to follow her around and assault anyone who approaches her during my declining years.


Understanding Baby Clothes

FYI future dads: Children’s clothes are not sized like everything else.  S, M, L, XL, and XXL do not apply to children’s clothes.  You need to take a class on this.  I am not even kidding!  For starters memorize this:

Age/Size Weight Length Bootie/Shoe Size Sock Size
Newborn Up to 7 lbs Up to 17″ N/A N/A
Up to 3 Months 7-12 lbs 17-23″ 3 Up to 6 Months
3-6 Months 12-17 lbs 23-27″ 4 Up to 6 Months
6-12 Months 17-22 lbs 27-29″ 5 6-12 Months
12-18 Months 22-27 lbs 29-31″ 6 12-24 Months
18-24 Months 27-30 lbs 31-33″ 7 12-24 Months

That chart will get you through the start but the Toddler Years have a system all to themselves. Here are some lines from other websites that are supposed to help decode this mess:

“Up until the age of 24 months, if an item

is labeled “12 months” or “18 months” without an age range, translate it to mean “9-12” or “1218” months. A size chart is

always more accurate than an

age range in determining the best fit for your child, but when there is no size chart, or even an age range, always select one size up from your child’s current age.”

Did you get that tip?  Easy to understand huh?  Here is another nugget of wisdom (* I DID NOT MAKE THIS UP):

The overlap between Toddler (2T, 3T, 4T, 5T) and Child (2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Does this fit?

sizes is a little confusing, particularly because different brands have different criteria for distinguishing between the two size types:

– Some Toddler sizes are roomier in the bottom to accommodate diapers

– Some Child sizes are narrower and longer (Size charts will indicate this by showing a similar weight range but larger height range than the corresponding Toddler size)

– Some Child sizes are the exact same size as their Toddler counterparts, but have a different cut and style

SEE!! There is no consistent measure for baby’s clothes.  OMG, I am sooo screwed!

If you don’t believe me by now…Here is one last thought taken from a well respected parenting website.

“Buying baby clothes is a lot like playing the lottery; you hedge your bets on a number, and hope it’s the right one.”

Thank god my wife is smart.

Anyone got any bows, glitter, or pink tutus?

For the Record: I would not have picked this outfit.

The doctor has confirmed it.  We are having a girl.  I will pause now for your applause. (((PAUSE)))

Thank you.

My wife would like to make her official statement  regarding this news:

“PHEW!!! I am glad it is a girl, but a healthy boy would be ok too.  WOO HOO…ITS A GIRL!” Read the rest of this entry

Catharsis (or Holy Shit we are Pregnant)

No, It really is.

Sarah Palin, Tea Parties/Baggers, Right Wing Mentality, Bad Drivers, Rude Servers, Texas, Low Battery Warnings on my iPhone, the dog’s accidents, Work Dissatisfaction, that light on the Frozen Coke machine being on, and my stuffy nose  don’t bother me today.  I dont think they will bother me as much anymore.  Yesterday something happened.  No, I was not almost killed and saw the fleeting flash of life before my eyes.  Just the opposite.  I saw my unborn son’s heart beating in his mother’s womb.  In that instant, as cliche as it sounds, it all changed.  Read the rest of this entry

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