Monthly Archives: August 2014
As devoted readers know, I had a vertical gastric sleeve in April 17th, 2014.
I was 300 lbs at surgery. I am now 194. I know I have lost 100+ lbs. I wear much smaller clothes. People tell me I look great.
I KNOW ALL OF THAT. I REALLY KNOW IT….
However, my brain does not believe it. Let me try to explain this….
EXAMPLE 1: I was having a conversation with 2 football coaches last week. Both of them are very overweight. Coach 1 makes a comment similar to “I tried to jump to the left and just couldn’t stop and just kept on going…” Coach 2 says “Maybe lose that gut and you might could have stopped” I chime in, “Big guys like us aren’t too graceful are we?” The tone of the conversation, until I opened my mouth, was one of lighthearted fun. The minute I grouped my self in the “big guys” group – they both looked at me like “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU AREN’T FAT LIKE US.” I honestly had to stop and process what was happening. They OBVIOUSLY took offence to my statement about all 3 of us being overweight. I was instantly uncomfortable and didn’t realize why they were so appalled that I referred to us as “big guys”.
EXAMPLE 2: I am a professional tennis player. When someone hits a shot I cant get to- one that I believe I should have gotten to- I say “Hurry up fatass” sometimes out loud but always to myself. A couple nights ago I missed a shot and said that out loud – obviously referring to myself- and my partner walked over laughing and said “You know you aren’t fat anymore.” TOTAL SYSTEM SHOCK. I have never heard those words said to me before. It took restraint to not say, “What are you talking about…Yes, I am fat.”
I had not realized that other people don’t see me how my mind continues to see me. I still mentally believe I am very, very overweight…until I look in a mirror.
I suppose I underestimated the mental adjustment time frame that I obviously have to make when it comes to my self image.
Armchair psychologists, weight loss veterans, and anyone else…chime in and let me know what you think.