1) No matter how much you plan, someone named Murphy will screw it up

2) If your haircut, doctor’s appointment, or dentist appointment is at 2:00 p.m. feel free to arrive at 4:00 p.m. – You will not be seen on time.

3) I like Space Invaders, however I do not like personal space invaders (See Awesome Illustration)

4) All people want 3 things:  Respect, Understanding, and whatever you have in your left back pocket

5) A good pen is worth its weight in gold and will be stolen,lost, or destroyed within 5 minutes of you discovering its true worth

6) People are thinking about you right now- the IRS, Donald Trump, and Dionne Warwick to name a few

7) You do not have enough money.

8 ) Neither do I

9) I love food and food loves me – that is why it hangs around so long.

10) I do not like “customized stickers” on crappy cars…maybe buy a hubcap instead of a sticker that reads “Juicy” for your back windshield

11) If you make fun of a poor, homeless, or disadvantaged person around me expect to be humiliated- I have no patience for that

12) My wife saved my life and she doesn’t know it

13) I have great parents

14) My daughter is perfect

See?

15) I am too fat

16) I need to be more active, eat less, and pay more attention to “adult things” in order to prolong my life- or so I am told

17) I wish there was a rule that you must have a working driver side window to use a fast food drive through

18) I should not ever go through a fast food drive through

19) There are things in my house that have not moved since we moved in

20) I have owned every model of iPhone through no fault of my own*

* they all still work, how sad is that?