As the days draw me closer to
retirement my golden years a bedpan, my body and mind are developing a list of things they really do not enjoy. Here is a sample of the myriad things that make this pre-middle aged man grumpy:
- Random Joint Pain: When did my left knee start hurting? I haven’t injured it, I haven’t smashed it into anything- Yet, It aches.
- Dull Aches: Vague pains in potentially any part of my body is depressing.
- Grunting When I Stand Up: I make an audible “UGHHH” when I stand up from a seated position. How sad is that? Is that a sign the AARP flyers are being addressed as we speak?
- Kids Driving Fast In My Neighborhood: Really, Matt? Yeah, I cant help it. It drives me insane to hear kids driving the cars and trucks their parents bought up and down my street. I can’t help it…I just can’t help it.
- I Said “That’s just vulgar” And Meant It: This was a shock. I have unknowingly developed a “appropriate or not radar.” If I knew this was happening I would have vetoed it, but its here. SIGH
- I Actually Used The Word “vulgar” In Public: That just speaks for its self.
- Inability To Open Glass Jar Twist Off Lids: Latest proof- Marinated Peppers- Small Jar, easy to grip, no excuses- Completely failed. I made a prolonged “AGHHHH” sound as I struggled in vain to “pop” the top off. Weakness, utter weakness.
- Lack Of Cool Clothes: My closet looks like a L.L. Bean, Gap, and Sears threw up in it. Nothing is wrong with those clothes, but we can all agree that they are far from…hip?
*I felt odd using the word “hip” in that last example. That’s exactly what I am talking about. The only way I feel comfortable using the word “hip” is in reference to the part of my body that aches when I get out of a car that sits lower than a Ford F-150.
Where is my warranty? I need see if I am still covered.