Fear and Clothing in Parenthood


OK, OK, OK, I will admit it.  I am HORRIFIED about being a parent.  Well, not really ABOUT being a parent, but about me being a parent.  There are a few areas of parenting that are making  my tummy grumble.  My “later than usual” age is a concern, my apparent inability to maintain commitments, and my complete mental disconnect on the sizing of baby clothes are concerns that make my supper haunt me in the night.

Commitment

“Parenting is a life long commitment.”  Those words are in every “NEW PARENT” book I have read.  I think the parenting illuminati want that fact to sink in real good so you don’t forget it.  MESSAGE RECEIVED!  Since I have realized that this child will be a permanent facet of my life, some things have began to resurface.  Notably my past failures at honoring commitments.  Those that know me, or those that will openly admit in public to knowing me, would know that commitments are something that I have not been the best at keeping.  Let me elaborate a touch.   I can’t keep two socks together for more than a week.  I have to leave myself notes to feed my fish.  In 1992, I told my mom  that I would help her weed a flower bed.  Hasn’t happened…I hope she forgot.  I signed up for inter mural ultimate frisbee so my friends could actually field 11 players (I was #11)…I completely forgot, never went to one practice and have always wondered why those guys were suck dickheads that semester.

Now I will have a child.  I can’t forget to feed her.  I can’t forget to bathe her.  I can’t forget where she is.  I can’t forget that she can’t tell me what is wrong (at least for a while).  I can’t forget that this commitment is not something that I can casually forget when a motorcycle rides by and my brain has a mini-I WANT THAT-seizure. FINANCIAL ADVICE OF THE DAY *** BUY POST-IT NOTE STOCK *** I am going to need a lot of those little yellow pads.

Age Fears

This is what I am REALLY afraid of.  This hypothetical example of a picture of my daughter and I in the upcoming years.  I am currently 34 years old.  Macy and I will have a LARGE generation gap between us.  You think I am blowing it out of proportion? For those mathematically challenged here is a cheat sheet for ya.  Lets look at exactly how bad its gonna be.

Macy’s Age                                  My Age                                     My Situation

o                                                            34                                       All is under control

10                                                          44                                       1st knee replacement

20                                                          54                                       3rd knee replacement

30                                                          64                                        Looking for my teeth

40                                                           74                                Yelling at “kids” on the lawn

50                                                            84                               (I can’t think this far ahead)

Ya get it now?  I am going to be an out of touch codger when she is 18-30.  OMG I need to hire a large orangutan to follow her around and assault anyone who approaches her during my declining years.

ANYONE KNOW A GOOD PRIMATE ADOPTION AGENCY?

Understanding Baby Clothes

FYI future dads: Children’s clothes are not sized like everything else.  S, M, L, XL, and XXL do not apply to children’s clothes.  You need to take a class on this.  I am not even kidding!  For starters memorize this:

Age/Size Weight Length Bootie/Shoe Size Sock Size
Newborn Up to 7 lbs Up to 17″ N/A N/A
Up to 3 Months 7-12 lbs 17-23″ 3 Up to 6 Months
3-6 Months 12-17 lbs 23-27″ 4 Up to 6 Months
6-12 Months 17-22 lbs 27-29″ 5 6-12 Months
12-18 Months 22-27 lbs 29-31″ 6 12-24 Months
18-24 Months 27-30 lbs 31-33″ 7 12-24 Months

That chart will get you through the start but the Toddler Years have a system all to themselves. Here are some lines from other websites that are supposed to help decode this mess:

“Up until the age of 24 months, if an item

is labeled “12 months” or “18 months” without an age range, translate it to mean “9-12” or “1218” months. A size chart is

always more accurate than an

age range in determining the best fit for your child, but when there is no size chart, or even an age range, always select one size up from your child’s current age.”

Did you get that tip?  Easy to understand huh?  Here is another nugget of wisdom (* I DID NOT MAKE THIS UP):

The overlap between Toddler (2T, 3T, 4T, 5T) and Child (2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Does this fit?

sizes is a little confusing, particularly because different brands have different criteria for distinguishing between the two size types:

– Some Toddler sizes are roomier in the bottom to accommodate diapers

– Some Child sizes are narrower and longer (Size charts will indicate this by showing a similar weight range but larger height range than the corresponding Toddler size)

– Some Child sizes are the exact same size as their Toddler counterparts, but have a different cut and style

SEE!! There is no consistent measure for baby’s clothes.  OMG, I am sooo screwed!

If you don’t believe me by now…Here is one last thought taken from a well respected parenting website.

“Buying baby clothes is a lot like playing the lottery; you hedge your bets on a number, and hope it’s the right one.”

Thank god my wife is smart.

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About matt1912

I am.

Posted on May 5, 2010, in Family, parenthood and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Funny. That buying clothes one size over age worked for my daughter, but my 2 and a 1/2 year old son wears size 12 month pants and 2 t shirts

  2. Okay, now you are really scaring me! I had no idea you were so irresponsible-it must be genetic-your dad has it also-aka absent minded-professor.
    You will have to be monitored when you are on call for the precious bundle.
    Secondly, I cannot fathom that sizing either; the problem is not gender specific; nor have I ever seen a sonogram photo that even remotely resembled something human
    Thirdly-being 63 I am really pissed about that looking for my teeth remark

    • The “I’m thinned skinned-you hurt my feelers” routine really dosen’t fit ya Suz! Come on!!! 🙂
      Thank you for reading and commenting!

  3. “…why those guys were suck dickheads that semester.”
    HOW CAN NO ONE CATCH THAT HILARIOUS TYPO!

    OMG!

  4. Actually I saw the typo
    But I was too busy laughing at your third knee replacement.
    Nice very very nice.
    And yes thank for smart wives.

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