Fear and Clothing in Parenthood
OK, OK, OK, I will admit it. I am HORRIFIED about being a parent. Well, not really ABOUT being a parent, but about me being a parent. There are a few areas of parenting that are making my tummy grumble. My “later than usual” age is a concern, my apparent inability to maintain commitments, and my complete mental disconnect on the sizing of baby clothes are concerns that make my supper haunt me in the night.
“Parenting is a life long commitment.” Those words are in every “NEW PARENT” book I have read. I think the parenting illuminati want that fact to sink in real good so you don’t forget it. MESSAGE RECEIVED! Since I have realized that this child will be a permanent facet of my life, some things have began to resurface. Notably my past failures at honoring commitments. Those that know me, or those that will openly admit in public to knowing me, would know that commitments are something that I have not been the best at keeping. Let me elaborate a touch. I can’t keep two socks together for more than a week. I have to leave myself notes to feed my fish. In 1992, I told my mom that I would help her weed a flower bed. Hasn’t happened…I hope she forgot. I signed up for inter mural ultimate frisbee so my friends could actually field 11 players (I was #11)…I completely forgot, never went to one practice and have always wondered why those guys were suck dickheads that semester.
Now I will have a child. I can’t forget to feed her. I can’t forget to bathe her. I can’t forget where she is. I can’t forget that she can’t tell me what is wrong (at least for a while). I can’t forget that this commitment is not something that I can casually forget when a motorcycle rides by and my brain has a mini-I WANT THAT-seizure. FINANCIAL ADVICE OF THE DAY *** BUY POST-IT NOTE STOCK *** I am going to need a lot of those little yellow pads.
This is what I am REALLY afraid of. This hypothetical example of a picture of my daughter and I in the upcoming years. I am currently 34 years old. Macy and I will have a LARGE generation gap between us. You think I am blowing it out of proportion? For those mathematically challenged here is a cheat sheet for ya. Lets look at exactly how bad its gonna be.
Macy’s Age My Age My Situation
o 34 All is under control
10 44 1st knee replacement
20 54 3rd knee replacement
30 64 Looking for my teeth
40 74 Yelling at “kids” on the lawn
50 84 (I can’t think this far ahead)
Ya get it now? I am going to be an out of touch codger when she is 18-30. OMG I need to hire a large orangutan to follow her around and assault anyone who approaches her during my declining years.
ANYONE KNOW A GOOD PRIMATE ADOPTION AGENCY?
Understanding Baby Clothes
FYI future dads: Children’s clothes are not sized like everything else. S, M, L, XL, and XXL do not apply to children’s clothes. You need to take a class on this. I am not even kidding! For starters memorize this:
|Age/Size||Weight||Length||Bootie/Shoe Size||Sock Size|
|Newborn||Up to 7 lbs||Up to 17″||N/A||N/A|
|Up to 3 Months||7-12 lbs||17-23″||3||Up to 6 Months|
|3-6 Months||12-17 lbs||23-27″||4||Up to 6 Months|
|6-12 Months||17-22 lbs||27-29″||5||6-12 Months|
|12-18 Months||22-27 lbs||29-31″||6||12-24 Months|
|18-24 Months||27-30 lbs||31-33″||7||12-24 Months|
That chart will get you through the start but the Toddler Years have a system all to themselves. Here are some lines from other websites that are supposed to help decode this mess:
“Up until the age of 24 months, if an item
is labeled “12 months” or “18 months” without an age range, translate it to mean “9-12” or “12–18” months. A size chart is
always more accurate than an
age range in determining the best fit for your child, but when there is no size chart, or even an age range, always select one size up from your child’s current age.”
Did you get that tip? Easy to understand huh? Here is another nugget of wisdom (* I DID NOT MAKE THIS UP):
The overlap between Toddler (2T, 3T, 4T, 5T) and Child (2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
sizes is a little confusing, particularly because different brands have different criteria for distinguishing between the two size types:
– Some Toddler sizes are roomier in the bottom to accommodate diapers
– Some Child sizes are narrower and longer (Size charts will indicate this by showing a similar weight range but larger height range than the corresponding Toddler size)
– Some Child sizes are the exact same size as their Toddler counterparts, but have a different cut and style
SEE!! There is no consistent measure for baby’s clothes. OMG, I am sooo screwed!
If you don’t believe me by now…Here is one last thought taken from a well respected parenting website.
“Buying baby clothes is a lot like playing the lottery; you hedge your bets on a number, and hope it’s the right one.”
Thank god my wife is smart.