Category Archives: Funny
Macy’s Message- Survivor: Nicaragua
Why didn’t they tell me at babycenter.com that my child would have such clearly defined opinions at such an early age?
Yuck! 10 grossest Halloween candies of all time (that aren’t candy corn)
I call them the “grossest,” but it depends on whom you’re asking: To your average trick-or-treater, these may very well be the 10 “coolest” Halloween candies. I put each of the candies through an evaluation from a friend’s son, 5-year-old P.J. Koesterer, a New York City resident and trusted authority on candy yuckiness.
- Fangs with tongue
This combo disguise-plus-candy is one part plastic, one part gummy, and all parts yuck. Kids are entitled to about 90 seconds of tongue wagging before the candy dissolves.
$1.95; Au’some Ghoulish Gummy Tongue; store.offbeattreats.com
5-year-old says: “Whoa, that’s scary!”
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Severed finger dip stick
Fun Dip for the witchy crowd. Grotesquely colored human digits — on sticks! — go into mouth, then into neon powder, then back into mouth.
$3; Galerie Creepy Candy Finger with Dipping Powder; galerieusa.com for stores
5-year-old says: “Spooky!”
- Glow worms
These gummies come packaged with a pair of plastic tongs equipped with a small LED. Pick up a bug and see it light up. Ditto for Swedish Fish and kids’ pinkies.
$11.29 for 12 1.4-ounce bags; KandyKastle Lightning Bugs Gummy Candy; candycentral.com
5-year-old says: “Awesome! Do you eat it?”
- Grubs
These are shorter, squatter, and ickier than your typical gummy worms. Catch-22 of cautioning kids about potentially dangerous behavior: Will they think to put the candies into their nostrils if you don’t warn them not to?
$19 for 12 1.7-ounce bags; Creepy Confections Grimy Grubs; candy-crate.stores.yahoo.net
5-year-old says: “Bumpy”
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Messed-up green mouth
Less of a lollipop than a large candy pacifier with a disturbing handle — big green lips and braces — that’ll turn a kid’s face into something well suited for a fun house.
$10.75 for 12 pops; Big Stuff Lip Pops; candydirect.com
5-year-old says: “I’m gonna eat all those tooth parts!” (the tooth parts are inedible)
- Squishy eyeballs
Forget the “peeled grapes in a bowl” trick. These gummy eyeballs are much more realistic in look and feel.
$10 for 14; CandyTech Gummi Eyeballs; dylanscandybar.com
5-year-old says: “Crazy! I can squish it.”
- (Fake) bug pops
“Crawlers” being closely identified with “creepy,” burying a candy bug Tootsie-Pop-style in a sucker is a surefire way to spook tots and strict vegetarians alike.
$30 for 24 pops; Creepy Confections Fly & Spider Pop; candy-crate.stores.yahoo.net
5-year-old says: “Look at those bugs! 3-D!”
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(Real) buggy pops
Yes, that’s a real scorpion in that lollipop. Other bugs you can find in this line of candy: Crickets and worms. In our opinion, a bit too gruesome for children, but it had to make the list.
$2.95 each; Hotlix Scorpion Sucker; hotlix.com
5-year-old says: “What the … it’s real? A real scorpion? That thing’s poisonous. Scorpions are poisonous, right?”
- Snotty nose
Grody to the max: A prosthetic nose — complete with ear straps — full of candy mucus that gets squeezed out directly onto the wearer’s tongue.
$29.40 for 12; Hose Nose; candywarehouse.com
5-year-old says: “Eww! That’s cool!”
- Ghoul mask
13 ounces of candy shaped into a hideous full-size mask. The only thing creepier than the painted visages is the volume of sugar (220 grams) contained in one treat.
$10; Creepy Confections Goblin Mask Pop; brandnewllc.com for stores
5-year-old says: “You can eat this? It’s giant!”
Gender Based Discrimination
Consider this hypothetical scenario:
You take an outing to the grocery store to buy food for your family. Upon your arrival you see an empty parking spot RIGHT BY THE ENTRANCE. Your mind screams, “SCORE!” Your giddiness is smashed when you approach the parking spot and a sign reading “Reserved for customers who happen to be buying milk,” staring you right in the face. Your lactose intolerant body has betrayed you by its inability to digest a cow’s milk. You curse your un-evolved stomach as you drive to the other side of the known world in search of a parking spot so you can feed your family.
HORRIFIC ISN’T IT.
As a new father, I am the victim of discrimination. I, like all men, are discriminated against due to something that we can not control – our gender. We men are not catered to when it comes to all things pregnancy. When you have a spare 4 hours, enter your local book store and count all the books about being a good parent that are written for women. The next day when you have a spare 23 seconds, go back and count the books written for men who want to be a good parent. It is a staggering difference. You will find that many of the books written for women stress emotional bonding with your child coupled with research from years of child rearing. The books written for men usually involve illustrations involving stick figures making less
than happy faces while changing a diaper and some type of list. The intellectual bias is staggering. WAIT WAIT WAIT … men have earned this, haven’t they? Raising a newborn is a woman’s job. Right? Was that last sentence offensive to you? It should be. That feeling of “I KNOW YOU DIDN’T” that you are experiencing right now is what I felt when I saw this as I was pulling into a CHOICE parking spot yesterday.
I just needed milk, milk officer!
As I drove away to another spot, my mind would not leave this alone. I mean why not change it to read “Stork Parking for New Parents and Mothers to Be” Why choose to omit the father who is bringing his infant with him. As I approached the doors, I decided to ask about that sign and what would happen if I, as a man, brought my infant to this store and dared to park my Jeep in that coveted spot.
Being a small town, I knew the woman who happened to be working when I came in. With a smile, I asked about the sign and what would happen if I parked there with my new infant. Flatly, she said, “nothing.” Taken aback and shocked about the lack of penalty, I repeated the facts. “So, I can park there as long as I have my kid with me.” The reply was a firm, “Yep.” I also asked the manager on duty, his comment was something similar to,” We at ___, want to provide the most comfort for our new mothers who shop with us…” When he said the word “mothers” my eyebrow raised. He saw the question coming, and said, “…and fathers.” I thanked him and paid for my goods and went to my Jeep.
I looked at the sign as I drove away, and I felt worse. Apparently, men who are fathers do not factor in the decision on what to have printed on signs that will be placed in front of stores nationwide? They do not care if you, a man, park there but they will not nor even consider using a gender neutral word on the sign? Are men such horrible parents to newborns that we aren’t even in the equation of consideration when it comes to preferred parking at stores? Other places get it…
...again gender neutral
Gender Neutral...
- …again gender neutral…
Why can’t men get the same billing in the parenting department? Why do men get such a bad rap? Has the world not evolved to the point that the man’s role in the parenting and care of a newborn is equal to that of women?
For instance, Canada
Some places get it. Some fathers have ascended. When will American men earn respect of shop owners and corporate conglomerates and actually have a DAD WITH CHILD PARKING sign considered? I honestly think that those days are still far into the future. Infants and newborns have a stigma attached to them. Mothers care for the babies. Men don’t. That very stigma is the cause of the discrimination I now face.
I don’t know what to do to combat the lack of respect that people of my gender face. However, I do have an idea about what to do about those signs.
Vive la égalité!
My new favorite read…
This world is over-run with half-talented people trying to be funny, smart, or different (like me, for instance). However, there are often overlooked and under hyped pieces of manna floating in the internet abyss. It is when you come across one of these oasises oasis’s oasissses nice places you want the world to know about how cool you are it is. So, In the interest of sharing, I give you dear readers, OATMEAL. http://theoatmeal.com is created, maintained, and drawn by Matthew Inman. Self described as:
I am a 27 year old web designer, web developer, and online marketer from Seattle, Washington.
That’s not all he is. As I read through Oatmeal, I started learnign more about Mr. Inman and his accomplishments, Oatmeal aside.
Read this –> Quite Impressive
Oatmeal is the funniest, smartest thing I have ever come across in a long time. I am now a fan!
Those that know me and my completely rational reaction to spiders and spider paraphernalia can understand why this cartoon hooked me from the start!
I repeat- I am a fan of oatmeal.com. You should be too.
As I sit here-I laugh. Thanks to Mr. Inman.
BONUS:
This Oatmeal page is another of my faves.
Five Reasons Why Your Sushi Chef Hates You
You only patronize the one sushi joint that you heard has the freshest fish. You sit at the bar and annoy watch the chefs while they work. You bust out your little chopsticks and mix wasabi into your soy sauce with a practiced arrogance while boring regaling your friends with tales of that one time you ate rare whale sashimi in Tokyo.
Oh, the sushi chefs know you. They sharpen their knives every time they see you approach. When you sit at the bar to watch them work and greet them with a “Konichiwa!” they give you a “friendly” nod. Next time, you might want to skip eating that “roe” that they reserve for their “special” customers. In fact, get something with tempura, to be on the safe side! Bwah hahaha!
Straight outta the mouth of a longtime Broward-based sushi chef Takeshi Kamioka… Five Reasons Why Your Sushi Chef Hates You:
1) You think you’re hot shit.
People will come in and say, “I’m from California and New York,” thinking they eat a higher level of sushi. I’m like, what do you want from me? “How was your flight?”
2) You show off how much wasabi you can eat.
You’ll have these assholes sit at the bar and have a wasabi-eating contest. They rave like they love it hot, but they’re really dying.
3) Your Japanese sucks.
People come in and order in Japanese and get it wrong. They’ll try to say [the Japanese word for rolled sushi] nigiri. But my waiters won’t understand, because they’re saying it wrong, and they’ll bring them sake or something. Some people order in Japanese, and when we don’t understand them, they [even act superior] like, “Oh you don’t know what that is.”
4) You actually prefer frozen fish.
Around here, a lot of people use frozen tuna. Toward the wintertime, we use a rich-colored tuna with a nice oil content. As a duty as a sushi chef, you’re supposed to give the finest cuts to your customer. But then people are so used to the frozen sushi, they think it’s bad, return it, and it goes to waste.
5) You’re American.
Customers will come in and say to the staff “Hey, you’re not Japanese.” Neither are you.
Quite possibly the coolest flight attendant ever…
JetBlue flight attendant arrested after leaving plane by emergency slide
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Tuesday, August 10, 2010
NEW YORK — A JetBlue flight attendant got into an argument with a passenger on a jetliner arriving at John F. Kennedy International Airport on Monday, cursed the passenger, grabbed a beer from the galley and then deployed an emergency exit slide and fled the plane, authorities said.
Flight attendant Steven Slater was arrested at his home in the nearby Belle Harbor section of Queens by Port Authority of New York and New Jersey police on charges of criminal mischief, reckless endangerment and trespassing.
Slater, 39, remained in custody Monday night. His attorney’s name wasn’t available, and there was no home telephone number listed for him. A woman who answered a phone at a previous residence listed for Slater in Thousand Oaks, Calif., identified herself as his mother but said she wasn’t speaking to the media.
JetBlue Airways said in a statement that it was working with the Federal Aviation Administration and Port Authority police to investigate the matter. It said the safety of its customers and crew members was never at risk.
Slater was working on JetBlue Flight 1052 from Pittsburgh when he got into an argument with a passenger who was pulling down baggage from an overhead bin, the Port Authority said. The luggage apparently struck the attendant in the head, and he asked for an apology, but the passenger refused, the agency said.
As the plane was landing, Slater got on the public-address system and cursed at the passenger, the Port Authority said. Slater then grabbed at least one beer, activated the slide, slid down and went to his car, the agency said.
Port Authority police were notified about 25 minutes later.
JetBlue would not say how long Slater had been employed by the company.
TV: The Generation Maker
My parents (AND THOSE BEFORE THEM) lived in a time where things were still “mysterious.” By that, I mean they couldn’t GOOGLE the mysterious and exciting sounding Bedazzeler and become instantly downhearted like my generation can. Their information came from books, magazines, newspapers, and TV. If it wasn’t on TV, many current topics weren’t heard about until the newspaper came out or someone said something about it a few days after. HOW BORING!!!
However, they saw epic things on TV for the 1st time! The moon landing, JFK’s assination, Jack Ruby shooting Lee Harvey, the 1st color TV, Fred meeting Ether, the Vietnam war, and so on and so on…
My generation has seen some doozies as well! Here is a list of some of the most amazing things that I have seen on TV so far in this life! ( in no particular order)
- Challenger Exploding
- Pres. Obama’s election
- 9/11
- Bill Clinton denying Monica’s BJ/Cigar Disappearing Act
- Red Sox winning the World Series
- Berlin Wall coming down
- Iran/Contra Hearings—> Ollie North’s Talk Show
- Boy George on the A-Team
- Pres. George Bush Jr. sitting perfectly still when informed about 9/11
- Video games go from Pong to PS3/XBox
- Saturday Morning Cartoons
- Michael Jackson’s hair catching on fire
- Will Ferrel on SNL
- Geraldo opening Al Capone’s Vault LIVE
- Madonna kissing Britney Spears
- MTV’s 1st 5 minutes of air time or “back when they played videos”
- Shrinky Dinks ( I still don’t know what those are)
- Jim Baker, Tammy Faye, and Jessica Hahn
- International Space Station
- “2 girls 1 cup” (*NOTE* If you don’t know what this is..DO NOT look it up. You have been warned.)
I can only wait with breathless anticipation over what is to come in the next few years.
I love a good Hoax!
With YouTube around…Why not show you some of my favorite hoaxes or myths that YouTubers have proven or disproven… Enjoy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlvxIdSI7V4 – HR 8791 (A CLASSIC)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCecsqvbOys – Satan is real-PROOF
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNoAwRdPUfc Republicans like minorities
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HiuCaaQhxg – White guys can dance
My Life the Romantic Fairy Tale
As a literary genre of high culture, romance or chivalric romance refers to a style of heroic prose and verse narrative that was particularly current in aristocratic literature of Medieval and Early Modern Europe, that narrated fantastic stories about the marvelous adventures of a chivalrous, heroic knight, often of super-human ability, who goes on a quest. Popular literature also drew on themes of romance, but with ironic, satiric or burlesque intent. Romances often reworked legends and fairy tales and traditional tales about Charlemagne and Roland or King Arthur. A related tradition existed in Northern Europe, and comes down to us in the form of epics, such as Beowulf, which were deeply imbued with dreamlike and magical elements foreign to the classical epics. However, This is not that sort of tale:
Long ago “a crowned god of war” and “the little wise one” conceived a child. This child grew into a woman whose name , when translated into English, meant “the beloved, merciful legendary princess.” She was well educated and eloquent. She was looked on fondly by all those around her.
Far away, around the same time, “a crowned wagon driver” wooed “the unheeded prophetess” and convinced her to marry. Their union resulted in a man/child, whose name, when translated into the English tongue, meant “eminent, crowned, gift of God.” The boy’s mother thought this was accurate, but it was kind of a joke to those that knew him.
The man/child and the princess met one day years later in the area know as the “mouth of the river.” The man/child made the princess laugh, so she kept him around and eventually they fell in love. They eventually were married (after the man/child chased a demon into the land of “Ta-Has”). Not long after their marriage they produced a child named “Gift of an attentive bountiful God.” This child was lauded as the greatest arrival on the planet since the one they called “MC HAMMER.” Truly a great and fortuitous event!
Don’t know where I was really going with this but, I was thinking about what our kid’s name actually meant. So, I looked it up…then looked up the wife…then looked up the ME…then our parents.
…I am still dazed since the LOST “finale.”
sometimes right - sometimes not - always correct 