Category Archives: Family
Meet my new addiction
Macy Elizabeth Howell was born on 09/16/10 at 12:38 pm. She weighed 6 lbs and 6 oz and was 19 inches long.
Of all the things I could say- of all the things I have to tell you about, dear readers- I am not going to distract you from looking at perfection.
Say “hello” to my new addiction.
.
Fetal Monitoring and Uncomfortable Furniture
The wife has had 2 elevated blood pressure instances. I mean like WAY over her normal levels. Last Thursday, at our weekly checkup, our Dr. was concerned with the blood pressure score and admitted her to the hospital to do a biophysical profile that led to an overnight stay. Her bp levels were normal at every 30 minute interval. No sign of high bp at all. Odd. Very odd . Pregnancy induced hypertension??? Morning came and went and we were set home at 2pm with orders to collect urine for another couple hours and return it to the lab after 4:50. Everything was fine except my wife was put on bed rest for a week.
Fast forward to today. My wife was readmitted to hospital with extremely high blood pressure with rumors of inducing the baby floating around. Guess what, her bp is normal and baby has a avg heart rate of 147 bpm. Again I ask- pregnancy induced hypertension?
As she lays there in relative peace; I watch the readouts on the monitor concerning the contractions and heart rate sensors trying to predict the next contraction. (I’m getting better.) My wife is tough, smart, and brave – not to mention cute. That is what makes this time hard on me. I am powerless to truly comfort her, sure I can crack jokes and rub her back but that isn’t what she needs and I can’t give it to her and that sucks.
An Upcoming Dad’s Nightmares
As “daddydom” approaches there are 2 main things that keep me up at night, haunting me like the ghosts of poopytime future. They are so disgusting to think about that I can’t vocalize my uneasiness about them even to my wife. There is one underlying commonality to all of them: the baby’s “fluids”. The baby is going to leak erupt expunge distribute spread her bodily fluids in and on various things. I know that is a definite aspect of my future. Like the soggy, gross sword of Damocles swinging over my head, I can do nothing but wait on its arrival. HOWEVER, Knowing it is coming is no comfort when thinking about HOW it is going to arrive.
The thought of baby puke on my pants is not near as gut wrenching as… I dont know, maybe this:
Can you imagine that???? I threw up a little in my mouth when I saw that my nightly horror has happened to another soul…on film. Speaking of throwing up in your mouth, that brings us to the other aspect of baby fear that I cope with. Here is the other nightmare scenario:
The gag or dry heave is the worst autonomic reaction our bodies have. It is a warning that our bodies send us to alert us to FOUL THINGS. This diaper changing thing is something that my friends at babycenter.com say will happen approximately 8-10 times a day. That’s just the baby’s bowel movements. I gag when my dog, a 5.5 lb Yorkie, poops on the floor. My reaction to Macy’s diaper filling will be YouTube worthy I can only imagine.
Truthfully, I am semi-joking about the “nightmares.” I am told that I will “get used to it.” That, right now, does not sound like something I want to do, but something I have to do. All joking aside, honestly, I want to learn to cope with the vile natural things that go with being a dad. Even if they are horrendous to think about now. These, like all things baby, will be learned as I go.
Oh thank you babycenter.com
So, my baby is still not a voting member of our society. That being true she is still growing. “How much is she growing?” you may ask. Well my answer is “I don’t really know.” The wife gets vague and cryptic emails from http://www.babycenter.com concerning the baby’s progress. Here is an exerpt from the latest indecipherable email along with my comments in RED.
Your pregnancy: 37 weeks
How your baby’s growing:
Your baby is now considered “full term,” even though your due date is three weeks away. If you go into labor now, his lungs will likely be mature enough to fully adjust to life outside the womb. That whole “adjust to life outside the womb” part is not some existential conundrum is it? (Some babies need a bit more time, though. So if you’re planning to have a repeat c-section, for example, your practitioner will schedule it for no earlier than 39 weeks unless there’s a medical reason to intervene earlier.)
Your baby weighs 6 1/3 pounds and measures a bit over 19 inches, head to heel (like a stalk of Swiss chard). How helpful is this info? I can not calculate the BABY TO CHARD Ratio in my head. I need to take a tape measure to the grocery store again. Many babies have a full head of hair at birth, with locks from 1/2 inch to 1 1/2 inches long. But don’t be surprised if your baby’s hair isn’t the same color as yours. WHAT? Dark-haired couples are sometimes thrown for a loop when their children come out as blonds or redheads, and fair-haired couples have been surprised by Elvis look-alikes. If my child looks like Elvis…We are gonna pimp that dude out! However, According to EVERY Maury Povich guest that I have EVER seen, when a baby dosen’t look like the daddy- IT ISN’T THE DADDY’S BABY! And then, of course, some babies sport only peach fuzz.
It may be harder than ever to get comfortable enough to sleep well at night. UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE UNIVERSE If you can, take it easy through the day My wife take it easy though the day…I laugh at you Baby Center— this may be your last chance to do so for quite a while. Keep monitoring your baby’s movements, too, and let your caregiver know immediately if you notice a decrease. Though her quarters are getting cozy, she should still be as active as before.
While you’re sleeping, you’re likely to have some intense dreams. Like my wife and Corey Haam skateboarding down Santa Monica Boulevard? Anxiety both about labor and about becoming a parent can fuel a lot of strange flights of unconscious fancy. So, your calm demeanor about this pregnancy is really a mask for the “unconscious fancy” swimming beneath your conscious like a bedazzled shark.
This piece of code brought to you by: Baby GaGa
Fetal development in pregnancy week 37:
It’s the calm before the storm. Changes in your baby’s weight have leveled off with only a few ounces of fat added this week. At this point your baby should weigh in at around 7 lbs and 20 inches (with boys somewhat heavier and longer than girls). NO FOOD REFERENCE??? I AM LOST! Happily, as far as internal organs go, they are now developed enough to function in the outside world although the oh-so-important immune system is still developing and will continue to do so after birth.
My brain hurts…I am off to measure some vegetables…
Click here for more baby posts.
Westminster Dog Show and Parenting School
As my dog was walking across the floor I realized that a dog food commercial was on the TV. This commercial was endorsed by the Westminster Kennel Club. That got Symon and I thinking about the Westminster Dog Show and the “contestants.” The dogs are in competition ONLY because their owners make them. If the owners left the stadium I believe the dogs would play and frolic like the happy little creatures they are. No competition, no “Best in Show,” no excessive grooming, nothing that makes a dog not be a dog.
I think there is a lesson here. Parents are guilty the world over of the crime of forcing their kids into dance competitions, baseball tournaments, twirling competitions (or twirl-offs as those in the know call em). Parents or dog owners or whoever needs to let the kids be kids and the dogs be dogs. Manufacturing competition where none naturally exists HAS to have its own ring in hell.
I hope I don’t push my kid into believing that competition is essential for EVERY or any DEFINING moment of her life.
My Life the Romantic Fairy Tale
As a literary genre of high culture, romance or chivalric romance refers to a style of heroic prose and verse narrative that was particularly current in aristocratic literature of Medieval and Early Modern Europe, that narrated fantastic stories about the marvelous adventures of a chivalrous, heroic knight, often of super-human ability, who goes on a quest. Popular literature also drew on themes of romance, but with ironic, satiric or burlesque intent. Romances often reworked legends and fairy tales and traditional tales about Charlemagne and Roland or King Arthur. A related tradition existed in Northern Europe, and comes down to us in the form of epics, such as Beowulf, which were deeply imbued with dreamlike and magical elements foreign to the classical epics. However, This is not that sort of tale:
Long ago “a crowned god of war” and “the little wise one” conceived a child. This child grew into a woman whose name , when translated into English, meant “the beloved, merciful legendary princess.” She was well educated and eloquent. She was looked on fondly by all those around her.
Far away, around the same time, “a crowned wagon driver” wooed “the unheeded prophetess” and convinced her to marry. Their union resulted in a man/child, whose name, when translated into the English tongue, meant “eminent, crowned, gift of God.” The boy’s mother thought this was accurate, but it was kind of a joke to those that knew him.
The man/child and the princess met one day years later in the area know as the “mouth of the river.” The man/child made the princess laugh, so she kept him around and eventually they fell in love. They eventually were married (after the man/child chased a demon into the land of “Ta-Has”). Not long after their marriage they produced a child named “Gift of an attentive bountiful God.” This child was lauded as the greatest arrival on the planet since the one they called “MC HAMMER.” Truly a great and fortuitous event!
Don’t know where I was really going with this but, I was thinking about what our kid’s name actually meant. So, I looked it up…then looked up the wife…then looked up the ME…then our parents.
…I am still dazed since the LOST “finale.”
Fear and Clothing in Parenthood
OK, OK, OK, I will admit it. I am HORRIFIED about being a parent. Well, not really ABOUT being a parent, but about me being a parent. There are a few areas of parenting that are making my tummy grumble. My “later than usual” age is a concern, my apparent inability to maintain commitments, and my complete mental disconnect on the sizing of baby clothes are concerns that make my supper haunt me in the night.
Commitment
“Parenting is a life long commitment.” Those words are in every “NEW PARENT” book I have read. I think the parenting illuminati want that fact to sink in real good so you don’t forget it. MESSAGE RECEIVED! Since I have realized that this child will be a permanent facet of my life, some things have began to resurface. Notably my past failures at honoring commitments. Those that know me, or those that will openly admit in public to knowing me, would know that commitments are something that I have not been the best at keeping. Let me elaborate a touch. I can’t keep two socks together for more than a week. I have to leave myself notes to feed my fish. In 1992, I told my mom that I would help her weed a flower bed. Hasn’t happened…I hope she forgot. I signed up for inter mural ultimate frisbee so my friends could actually field 11 players (I was #11)…I completely forgot, never went to one practice and have always wondered why those guys were suck dickheads that semester.
Now I will have a child. I can’t forget to feed her. I can’t forget to bathe her. I can’t forget where she is. I can’t forget that she can’t tell me what is wrong (at least for a while). I can’t forget that this commitment is not something that I can casually forget when a motorcycle rides by and my brain has a mini-I WANT THAT-seizure. FINANCIAL ADVICE OF THE DAY *** BUY POST-IT NOTE STOCK *** I am going to need a lot of those little yellow pads.
Age Fears
This is what I am REALLY afraid of. This hypothetical example of a picture of my daughter and I in the upcoming years. I am currently 34 years old. Macy and I will have a LARGE generation gap between us. You think I am blowing it out of proportion? For those mathematically challenged here is a cheat sheet for ya. Lets look at exactly how bad its gonna be.
Macy’s Age My Age My Situation
o 34 All is under control
10 44 1st knee replacement
20 54 3rd knee replacement
30 64 Looking for my teeth
40 74 Yelling at “kids” on the lawn
50 84 (I can’t think this far ahead)
Ya get it now? I am going to be an out of touch codger when she is 18-30. OMG I need to hire a large orangutan to follow her around and assault anyone who approaches her during my declining years.
ANYONE KNOW A GOOD PRIMATE ADOPTION AGENCY?
Understanding Baby Clothes
FYI future dads: Children’s clothes are not sized like everything else. S, M, L, XL, and XXL do not apply to children’s clothes. You need to take a class on this. I am not even kidding! For starters memorize this:
| Age/Size | Weight | Length | Bootie/Shoe Size | Sock Size |
| Newborn | Up to 7 lbs | Up to 17″ | N/A | N/A |
| Up to 3 Months | 7-12 lbs | 17-23″ | 3 | Up to 6 Months |
| 3-6 Months | 12-17 lbs | 23-27″ | 4 | Up to 6 Months |
| 6-12 Months | 17-22 lbs | 27-29″ | 5 | 6-12 Months |
| 12-18 Months | 22-27 lbs | 29-31″ | 6 | 12-24 Months |
| 18-24 Months | 27-30 lbs | 31-33″ | 7 | 12-24 Months |
That chart will get you through the start but the Toddler Years have a system all to themselves. Here are some lines from other websites that are supposed to help decode this mess:
“Up until the age of 24 months, if an item
is labeled “12 months” or “18 months” without an age range, translate it to mean “9-12” or “12–18” months. A size chart is
always more accurate than an
age range in determining the best fit for your child, but when there is no size chart, or even an age range, always select one size up from your child’s current age.”
Did you get that tip? Easy to understand huh? Here is another nugget of wisdom (* I DID NOT MAKE THIS UP):
The overlap between Toddler (2T, 3T, 4T, 5T) and Child (2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Does this fit?
sizes is a little confusing, particularly because different brands have different criteria for distinguishing between the two size types:
– Some Toddler sizes are roomier in the bottom to accommodate diapers
– Some Child sizes are narrower and longer (Size charts will indicate this by showing a similar weight range but larger height range than the corresponding Toddler size)
– Some Child sizes are the exact same size as their Toddler counterparts, but have a different cut and style
SEE!! There is no consistent measure for baby’s clothes. OMG, I am sooo screwed!
If you don’t believe me by now…Here is one last thought taken from a well respected parenting website.
“Buying baby clothes is a lot like playing the lottery; you hedge your bets on a number, and hope it’s the right one.”
Thank god my wife is smart.
A Parenting Quiz Yields Unintended Answers
In my ongoing quest to learn everything there is to know about becoming a parent (I know it is a futile gesture, but it makes me THINK I am being productive.) I decided to take a parenting quiz.
I figured that testing my newly acquired parenting knowledge could give me some feedback as to my “readiness” for this part of my life. As I read the some of the questions and the answer choices I noticed something…one or more of the answers is complete child abuse – either mental or physical or both. You don’t believe me? Look at this question:
| 5. It’s a Saturday and you’re going out with your little boy. You watch from a bench as he runs up and down the slide and plays with his friends. Then you watch him walk up to a man sitting on the bench across from you. |
|---|
| *Run after him and give your son a re-run of the “Don’t talk to strangers” lecture. |
| *Watch cautiously and wait until your son has stopped talking to him and continues playing. There are many people around. He wouldn’t do anything right? |
| *Walk casually up to your son and ask him a question or divert his attention (tell him that you are going to take him out for icecream or challenge him to go on the big slide, etc.) so that he would walk away from the stranger and sit down and talk to him about the safety rules that come into play whenever we go out. |
| *Walk up to him quickly and hold him by the ear as you drag him away, then yell at him, take him home, and promise never to take him anywhere ever again because he is stupid and he never listens. |
Please note answer #4. Here is the summary: Drag him by the ear while yelling ,because you just reduced his ability to hear by 1/2 by destroying the ear you are pulling on, at him about how stupid he is.
Does this really happen so much that it is a viable answer choice? This pattern was repeated over and over in the quiz allowing you to resort to violence and child abuse OR suffer a mental breakdown for yourself. Want an example? Here ya go…
| 13. Today, after school, you went to your child’s school to pick him up. You showed up a bit early, so you are just watching the class as they are packing up their things and getting ready to go home. On the side, you can see your son and two of his friends playing with one of the class toys, a green dinosaur, and then you see that your son has pushed one of the other boys to the ground and took the toy from him. What would you do? |
|---|
| *Hold him by the ear and yell at him until you reach the car. |
| *Ask him why he did it, and explain that there is no good reason to hit anyone. Then make him apologize. |
| *Make him apologize and tell him that he is grounded and he cannot play any of his games for a week. |
| *Hit your head against the wall and cry because the world is ending. |
This question dosen’t LIMIT you to auditory canal child abuse (#1) it allows you to have the choice of a mental breakdown(#4). How thoughtful. I am sure that the kid in question appreciates that consideration.
I WANT to believe that these horrible choices are meant to be so SHOCKING that the quiz taker will never pick them and maybe remember this quiz when the impulse to destroy the child ear leaps into their mind when the “good china” gets broken. However, I can’t help believe there are parents who resort to violence when a child disobeys, smarts off, or commits any infraction what so ever.
OK, I admit I know some parents that do leap to physical punishment over a more communicative and less painful method of compliance assurance. Admit it, you know them to, maybe not the same people, but the same type of people. I think they are lazy parents and need to be more concerned with the development of the child rather than the 10 minutes of silence the physical abuse yields them or they want to be OBEYED that they will make sure that happens at any cost.
I have never SAID anything to any of them when they “disciplined” their child in front of me because:
1) I had no kids of my own.
2) I don’t know what’s led up to this instance.
None the less, I knew that exchange between parent and child was wrong and I am positive my face reflected that. Yet, I have never said anything. So, I apologize to all the kids who have been disciplined in front of me in an inappropriate manner. My silence is inexcusable. I am typing this apology because I know you couldn’t hear me…due to the ear pulling and yelling.
I am going to try to not ever do anything to my child that hinders trust, fosters fear, or causes them physical pain in any way. I know that people’s definition of abuse, discipline, corporal punishment differ. However, I think that most impartial observers can tell when it goes too far.
Parenting is going to be hard but not hard on my kid.
Anyone got any bows, glitter, or pink tutus?
For the Record: I would not have picked this outfit.
The doctor has confirmed it. We are having a girl. I will pause now for your applause. (((PAUSE)))
Thank you.
My wife would like to make her official statement regarding this news:
“PHEW!!! I am glad it is a girl, but a healthy boy would be ok too. WOO HOO…ITS A GIRL!” Read the rest of this entry
sometimes right - sometimes not - always correct 