As “daddydom” approaches there are 2 main things that keep me up at night, haunting me like the ghosts of poopytime future.   They are so disgusting to think about that I can’t vocalize my uneasiness about them even to my wife.  There is one underlying commonality to all of them:   the baby’s “fluids”. The baby is going to leak erupt expunge distribute spread her bodily fluids in and on various things.  I know that is a definite aspect of my  future.  Like the soggy, gross sword of Damocles swinging over my head, I can do nothing but wait on its arrival.  HOWEVER, Knowing it is coming is no comfort when thinking about HOW it is going to arrive.

The thought of baby puke on my pants is not near as gut wrenching as… I dont know, maybe this:

Can you imagine that????  I threw up a little in my mouth when I saw that my nightly horror has happened to another soul…on film.   Speaking of throwing up in your mouth, that brings us to the other aspect of baby fear that I cope with.  Here is the other nightmare scenario:

The gag or dry heave is the worst autonomic reaction our bodies have.  It is a warning that our bodies send us to alert us to FOUL THINGS.  This diaper changing thing  is something that my friends at babycenter.com say will happen approximately 8-10 times a day.  That’s just the baby’s bowel movements.  I gag when my dog, a 5.5 lb Yorkie, poops on the floor.  My reaction to Macy’s diaper filling will be YouTube worthy I can only imagine.

Truthfully, I am semi-joking about the “nightmares.”  I am told that I will “get used to it.”  That, right now, does not sound like something I want to do, but something I have to do.  All joking aside, honestly, I want to learn to cope with the vile natural things that go with being a dad.  Even if they are horrendous to think about now.   These, like all things baby, will be learned as I go.