As devoted readers know, I had a vertical gastric sleeve in April 17th, 2014.

I was 300 lbs at surgery.  I am now 194.  I know I have lost 100+ lbs.  I wear much smaller clothes.  People tell me I look great.

I KNOW ALL OF THAT.  I REALLY KNOW IT….

However, my brain does not believe it.  Let me try to explain this….

EXAMPLE 1:  I was having a conversation with 2 football coaches last week.  Both of them are very overweight.  Coach 1 makes a comment similar to “I tried to jump to the left and just couldn’t stop and just kept on going…”  Coach 2 says “Maybe lose that gut and you might could have stopped”  I chime in, “Big guys like us aren’t too graceful are we?”  The tone of the conversation, until I opened my mouth, was one of lighthearted fun.  The minute I  grouped my self in the “big guys” group – they both looked at me like “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU AREN’T FAT LIKE US.”   I honestly had to stop and process what was happening.  They OBVIOUSLY took offence to my statement about all 3 of us being overweight.  I was instantly uncomfortable and didn’t realize why they were so appalled that I referred to us as “big guys”.

EXAMPLE 2:  I am a professional tennis player.  When someone hits a shot I cant get to- one that I believe I should have gotten to- I say “Hurry up fatass” sometimes out loud but always to myself.  A couple nights ago I missed a shot and said that out loud – obviously referring to myself- and my partner walked over laughing and said “You know you aren’t fat anymore.”   TOTAL SYSTEM SHOCK.  I have never heard those words said to me before.  It took restraint to not say, “What are you talking about…Yes, I am fat.”

I had not realized that other people don’t see me how my mind continues to see me.  I still mentally believe I am very, very overweight…until I look in a mirror.

I suppose I underestimated the mental adjustment time frame that I obviously have to make when it comes to my self image.

Armchair psychologists, weight loss veterans, and anyone else…chime in and let me know what you think.