It’s out there, you know, the alternative to happiness and hope – reality.  Waiting silently like a shadow- calm and patient.  All the while knowing that you will be coming to it- sooner or later.  Reality does not chase you.  The illusion of safety leads to the sloth of complacency.  There is no guarantee that anything is permanent or has any truth behind it.  Lies kill hope, inaction kills potential, and regret fuels the memory.  That’s when reality wraps its cold and often unyielding arms around you- reassuring you that now is when you have to deal with what is been just over the horizon – waiting on you to forget it exists.  Beauty and happiness only stay your eventual embrace of the reality of what being alive is truly about.  Pain.

I suppose the alternative to sucking it up and trudging along in your miserable state is to simply give up. On the surface it is an attractive option.  For instance, sell what you have and say, “Fuck it.”  Buy a used Winnebago and head to Montana.*  Is that really an option with two kids, 2 jobs, and a mortgage you cant afford anymore?  Nope.

So what do you do?  More specifically, what do I do?  Reality is really kicking my ass – and its winning.  Life is painful now.  I feel it.  I feel tired, angry, unlucky, alone, sad, and powerless.  I can not fix what is wrong.  I can only adjust to what other people, other people’s decisions, and other people’s whims allow for me.  I work all the time at a job I hate.  I supplement that income with a job that takes a lot of time away from my kids- I wrestle with the question, “Is the income worth the absence from my kids?”  Now, without that income my kids lose (They will lose more that what they are about to be losing very soon.)  So, that answers that.

I would imagine by now, dear reader, that you are waiting on the, “…but I will keep putting one foot in front of the other.” part of this post.  I am sorry I can not give you that.  I can not lie and say that I will find some self worth or inner strength from what is happening now- and will continue to happen for quite a while.  I am crumbling.  I feel it.

I will give you one last thought that echos in my head every night before I willingly close my eyes – “I just want everything to be O.K.”

I am trying to make it O.K.  I just don’t know if I am making any progress.  It does not feel like it.  I am scared.

If I were to tell a Hindu about how my life is right now  a response would be close this, “Your current situation is the exactly correct situation for you to be in, given you soul’s previous action. Experiencing current suffering also satisfies the debt incurred for past behavior.”   I don’t know if that is true, I don’t believe it is, but just in case it is “As It Is””**  I would like to apologize to my wife and kids for putting them here.  I am sorry we are where we are and wish I could better our situation.

* The winnebeago would break down in Iowa and ole reality would be there waiting on you- not good

** sorry, couldn’t resist