So, I finished the my latest HOW TO BE A DAD book recently.  It was entitled “The Expectant Father”  This book didn’t freak me out with hundreds of advanced female anatomy diagrams, pregnancy warning signs, stats on SIDS, or how to care for an infected episiotomy incision (that was actually covered in another book).

It is a very good read that goes month by month and lays out what is happening (in general terms) with you and your partner whom, it does not let you forget, is WITH CHILD.  This tome constantly reminds you, the reader, that your position is that of a SUPPORT TEAM.  The book goes into detail about what emotional, physical, and psychic changes are going on with you…the non-child bearing support squad.

It was an eye opening  moment in time when the book told me that emotionality, empathy, and sympathy are par for the course and many men feel a closeness to their mates during these turbulent times all the while having a “LOOK WHAT I DID!” mentality that reinforces their manhood.  (GUILTY!)  My entire pregnancy experience summarized in less than one chapter.

All joking aside, this book is written by a father for future fathers.  It does not sugar coat the fact your partner may be in a bad mood from time to time, may lose interest in sex as the pregnancy progresses, and it does not let you forget that YOU NEED TO BE SUPPORTIVE…even while they are in a bad mood and uninterested in “relations” because YOU AREN’T CARRYING A BABY INSIDE YOU!

On another pregnancy update note:

My wife subscribes to a weekly update on the ever changing state of the growing baby from BABYCENTER.COM. This site sends out an email that is supposed to 1) encourage us through education  2) compare your baby’s size this week to some type of food. I am not kidding about this.

This week (#16) the baby is the size of an avacado.  In the upcoming weeks our baby will become the weight of a turnip (week #17), become as long as a spaghetti squash (week #22), and eventually be about the size of an “average catntaloupe (week #34).  It just strikes me odd that the most tactile comparison for the size of your growing child is a food reference.  I mean would you not get the meaning of this. “Your child is about the length of a hammer.”  Pretty clear to me.  Maybe this one, “Your child weighs about as much as a PS3 Controller.”

Maybe its the demographic of who is reading these emails.  If that is the case I have prepared this letter to BABYCENTER.COM.

Dear BABYCENTER.COM,

I am reading these updates weekly.  Thank you for the information and the ease of obtaining it.  However, I am getting tired of weighing and measuring produce in Wal-Mart to determine my baby’s status.  You make me look like a freak.  I live in a small town and people are starting to talk.  People ask me “What are you doing?” and only response to the people/managers/security at Wal-Mart is “I am checking on my baby’s health.”  That line has done me no good while holding a sweet potato in one hand and a tape measure in another.

Please, please help me avoid any future uneasy talks in the security room and potential prosecution.

Thanks,

Matt